Hi there,
Hopefully with good tools and lots of love we get along well with each other most of the time.
And then we have our triggers. Sometimes a conversation escalates into an argument even when you have done your best to keep rapport. At that point the fight-or-flight mechanism can kicks in. Fight is the mechanism that makes a person want to keep talking, to bring the communication to completion. Flight is the mechanism that makes a person want to run, avoiding a situation, fleeing the danger zone.
What we want to notice intuitively is that the underlying intention of both fight and flight is closure! Both partners want to finish the conversation. One partner stays put to finish. The other partner wants to leave, trying to finish. Both partners have the same intention and handle it in different ways.
What to Do: Make an Appointment
When a conversation escalates, breathe. If this is common with you and a friend, talk about this solution ahead of time. If you can get agreement on using the strategy before you need it, it will be easier to implement. If you can’t, you can still use the strategy. Trust your intuition on when to let it kick in.
The solution is to stop and make an appointment to complete the conversation later. Use your intuition to set up a follow-up time to reconnect after you have each settled down.
Make a firm appointment for follow up. If you leave the appointment time open-ended, it will probably not satisfy the person in fight mode. An appointment lets him or her know that you are coming back at a specific time to complete things.
Don’t wait too long. 20 minutes is enough time for some people to cool off. Take a walk. Do some breathing exercises. Use your tools. Ground and clear yourself. Remember there is love between you or you would not care.
Keep Your Word
When you agree to get back to someone at a certain time, do it. It’s very important to keep this agreement. If you really can’t keep your agreement, communicate this to your friend. If you do not communicate a change in your agreement, you create deeper mistrust and hurt to the other person. When you renegotiate, your partner feels considered. People may often make important decisions and perform actions based on agreements they have with you. Boundaries are important. Respect is important.
Update: How to Do this With Yourself
If you are upset with and arguing with yourself or stressing over a decision, take a break. Try setting an appointed time to come back to yourself to look at this again. Remember to use all your tools. My blog is full of them, in case you are in need.
Love to you,
Dawn Lianna M.A.
503-515-6798
P.S. Dinosaur Issues – Repeating arguments show signs of old uncleared issues. I am here for you. One of my favorite things to do is help people clear their old dinosaur issues, that have not cleared with other strategies. I have a knack with helping people clear the old deadbeat issues that have had a strong hold. dawnlia@yahoo.com
